Fear Itself

Fear inconvenience: Get uppity in line. Fear the Reaper: Deploy Botox, Viagra, Rogaine, cosmetic surgery. Fear traffic accidents: Buy SUV. Fear the Joneses: Trade small SUV for Hummer H2. Fear depreciation: Keep SUV on paved roads and well-waxed. Fear the sniper: Duck and cover at gas pump. Fear burglars: Buy alarm and handgun. Fear terrorists: Look the other way when torture happens. Fear bio-terrorism: Stock up on duct tape and plastic. Fear insecurity: Slowly build police state. Fear conservatives: Get neurotic; buy bumper stickers with earnest messages. Fear liberals: Join angry white men on talk radio. Fear compromise: Get nothing done. Fear the past: Deny inhaling. Fear the future: Fight change, any change. Fear the street: Keep children from unstructured play outside. Fear parallel parking: Shop only at big-box chain stores. Fear the yellow man: Keep them jobs at home! Fear the black man: Put gate on subdivision; refuse to see injustice. Fear acting white: Don’t work at school; act like thug. Fear bad schools: Move to county when kid turns 5. Fear low achievers: Keep kids’ lives planned 24/7. Fear the government: Cut taxes, curb services. Fear the taxpayers: Keep services large, run deficit. Fear the polls: Apply spin until polls improve. Fear the Fed: Panic whenever Alan Greenspan breathes in public. Fear shabbiness: Buy more stuff on credit. Fear hard work: Get slack! Fear the body: Keep breasts off TV. Fear the booty: Outlaw low-rider pants. Fear losing 18- to 35-year-old males: Make entertainment violent and shallow. Fear the potty-mouth: Ban Howard Stern (as soon as he begins to attack Bush). Fear TV: Use V-chip. Fear love: Outlaw gay marriage and civil unions. Fear God’s mercy: Invent Devil and hell. Fear anger: Ban all offensive speech. Fear the smoker: Make him or her a pariah. Fear carbs: Eat Atkins. Fear slow results: Look for miracles. Fear success: Set expectations low. Fear clutter: Toss bottles in trash, do not recycle. Fear the water: Filter or buy in bottles. Fear the air: Get air-cleaner and ionizer. Fear the earth: Poison yard with pesticides and herbicides. Fear the sky: Buy UV 60 sunscreen, hat, sunglasses. Fear the snow: Raid and sack Ukrop’s for bread, milk, eggs. Fear the day: Do not make eye contact on bus or street. Fear the night: Acquire baby monitor and motion-detector light. Fear West Nile: Slather person and environs with DEET or citronella. Fear germs: Purchase antibacterial soap and wipes. Fear thinking: Make fun of anyone with intellectual curiosity. Fear criticism: Stop speaking your mind. Fear art: Make it clean and accessible, now! Fear labels: Do what everyone thinks you should do. Fear conformity: Get really bad tattoo. Fear disappointment: Don’t look for happiness. Fear commitment: Hook up, don’t date. Fear loneliness: Stay in doomed relationship. Fear rejection: Take no chances. Fear risk: Purchase more insurance. Fear uncertainty: Stay in rotten job until laid off. Fear poverty: Step on others to get ahead. Fear mediocrity: Fight for a cause, even if you don’t fully understand it. Fear hippies: Become your grandparents. Fear the Apocalypse: Practice old-time intolerance of other faiths. Fear silence: Crank it up! Fear the emptiness within: Stay connected to TV, Internet, or phone 24/7. Fear fear: Apply “No Fear” sticker to car. Fear not being feared: Apply “Fear This” sticker to car. Repeat as needed. S Joe Essid teaches English at the University of Richmond. Views expressed on the Back Page are those of the writer and not necessarily those of Style Weekly.

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