A bartender’s life in Richmond. by Jack Lauterback
Phallic Farewells Penis cakes. Penis-shaped shot glasses. A deck of penis cards. Big inflatable penises. A hat with a giant penis protruding from the bill.
It’s difficult to comprehend the meaning behind so many faux phalluses at a table compromised of only women. What the hell is going on here? Why are all these ladies wearing sashes with phrases such as “#1 Bitch!” and “Last Night of Freedom!” scrawled across them? Are they really pantomiming the “Rum Runner” while they sip their rum and diets through penis-shaped straws? Why do they all shriek in unison every time a T-Pain song comes on? Did one of those girls just try to reach across the bar and grab my crotch?
Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is the state of the 2009 bachelorette party. Soon-to-be husbands, be scared when your future wife heads out into the night with 10 girls and a bunch of fake peckers. Be very, very scared.
As a barman and someone my manager once referred to as the restaurant’s bachelorette party specialist, I think I can speak with some authority on this spectacle. When you see three or four of them a weekend, you begin to see patterns. A bartender’s matrimonial predictor scale, if you will:
• When the bachelorette makes out with some random schmo on the dance floor, the marriage will not last.
• The more penis-shaped objects in the party, the less chance the marriage has of lasting.
• If the party of ladies is older than 35 and there are still many penis-shaped objects at the table, the marriage is a second or third one, and it definitely will not last.
• Single girls in a bachelorette party will lay down like the French in 1940. Or it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Or it’s like any other ridiculous metaphor that implies ease.
• Tears and bachelorette parties go together like peanut butter and jelly. Girls are drinking, girls fight, girls want to get married, girls are jealous. A bachelorette party exposes all of these things and brings them to the surface. Got any tissues?
I’m not sure how this all correlates but through my research I’ve come to one conclusion: My wife will not be having a bachelorette party. In fact, I’ll be calling from Las Vegas to make sure she’s not out with a stainless-steel phallus tied to her head, getting plied with free fruity shots from some jerk bartender.
Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback routinely plies bachelorette parties with free fruity shots. He also writes a surly blog at www.jackgoesforth.blogspot.com.
I loved this so much - and it's SO damn true - that I hammered on the Style Weekly webmaster (who turns out to be Jason Roop - now THAT'S a hands-on EIC!) to fix my login issues so I could SAY how much I loved it. And how true it is...
Jack Goes Forth, indeed. Glad to see you here.
----------------------------- Tell a remarkable story
Monday, July 27, 2009 12:50:14 PM by Anonymous
Oh, yawn.
Pushing the envelope? RVANews has edgier content. Why not just aggregate Jack's blog and save time/effort? Besides, Tucker Max has this niche filled and tells the stories in a more entertaining fashion.
Because I like to find something positive to say about everything, at least it's not very long.
Sunday, July 26, 2009 11:18:50 AM by A friend
r.c. - Life is mundane and utterly useless...lighten up and attempt to enjoy it.
Funny column Jack. Keep it up.
Sunday, July 26, 2009 11:06:30 AM by r.c.
wow, let's see how many sex/gender stereotypes we can perpetuate in a very very small article.
congratulations you've managed to boil things down to their simplest, most mundane, most boring and utterly useless points.
if you ever manage to talk some poor, poor woman into marrying you, heaven help her and god save us all if you talk her into bearing your children.
Thursday, July 23, 2009 8:25:33 PM by Checked It Out
Oh, Bubba, doncha know there is an inverse relationship between the size of a man's penis and how much he likes to make dick-jokes. The more jokes, the smaller the penis.
Thursday, July 23, 2009 7:26:23 PM by Bubba
Jack is so sexy, I want to be his gay lover.
Thursday, July 23, 2009 7:27:30 AM by Anonymous
What does a 25 year old who lives with his parents know about whose marriage is going to last or the lives of people over 35? A tongue in cheek humor column is probably in order for Style, but this guy is just a jerk. Why is Style promoting a blog about trying to screw as many women as possible? Are the editors having a mid-life crisis? Get a sports car, not a wannabe gigolo "writer".
1. Hitting on girls in a Bachelorette Party will only lead to doom. When you see the group at their 3rd bar, there are no guys in their group. This isn't because they haven't been hit on yet they have systematically chewed up and spit out all comers up to that point. 2. Bachelorette Parties suck for the same reason women in groups suck: for the tedium of their predictability. 3. The writer's obvious fascination with penii is disconcerting and troublesome.
Will lay down like the French in 1940? HAHAHAHAHAHA
Nice job. Watch it with the comments about those over 35.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009 4:53:47 PM by Anonymous
Jack may seriously work at the highest volume bachelorette party bar in Richmond, not to mention a bar that is constantly packed... I believe his observations to be spot on. Funny stuff.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009 2:37:14 PM by Jeremy R.
It's good to see Style pushing the envelope a little. Too much boring tripe about the school system and Mayor Jones, not enough entertainment.
Kudos.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009 2:10:36 PM by Mike
Glad to see you in Style, Jack! I read your blog regularly, and believe I second another comment when I say...I cannot believe they posted this!
Jack, your column reinforces my own experience: A bachelorette party is a single guy's best friend.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009 12:42:50 PM by TaylorinRVA
My new plan: Jack is planning my bachelorette party.... in Vegas.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009 12:40:39 PM by Anonymous
Thing I don't understand is that most women make fun of these bachelorette parties and recognize their ridiculousness yet they still exist with pretty good frequency. Reason #1,234,657 why women be crazy.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009 12:39:10 PM by Anonymous
A column on bachelorette parties and you've somehow managed to reference "penis" 12 times.... I just called my girlfriend and she is now forbidden to go anywhere near Shockoe Slip.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009 12:33:35 PM by Anonymous
god you just confirmed every fear ive ever had about getting married.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009 12:15:05 PM by RVARVARVA
Oh no the old people are outside of Style's offices up in arms. " You god damn whippersnappers with your bars and your fun and your honesty!"
